Four Years
by Salivour
Summary: Four years of the time they had together.


Hermione stood in the doorway of Professor Lupin's office. She had meant to walk to her bed in the Gryffindor tower, but her feet had somehow taken her to Remus and, now that she was here, she couldn't think of anywhere else to be. Not after Sirius had just escaped Hogwarts on the back of Buckbeak. Hermione and Sirius had only exchanged a few brief words. She had seen this kind, rebellious, well meaning man. She had felt an attraction to him, to his jokes, even in the bizarre situation, and to his attitude of freedom. She hadn't been able to stop thinking and had ended up here, in this small, bare office with its shabby furniture as she had so often found herself this year. At first she had come to Remus out of her worries that she was falling behind in Defence after Harry was getting so good at it. But later, she seemed to keep returning to Remus's office for some small excuse.

Remus was seated behind his worn desk, smiling at her. "You seemed quite taken by him," he said without preamble.

Hermione laughed. Remus had become a mentor to her for more than schoolwork. Knew the right things to say, and she felt as though he'd just always be there, and after the chaos of the day she felt safe here with him. "Was I that obvious?"

Remus came over to her and brushed a lock of frizzy brown hair away from her face, trailing a finger along her jaw. "I must know you too well," he said.

"Jealous?"

Remus gave a tight smile and said, "No. Well, back in school we were -" He gave a deep sigh, one hand rubbing the back of his neck.

Hermione grabbed his wrist and rubbed small circles on the back of his hand. "It's okay, Remus. I'm interested, honest."

Remus pulled her in for a brief, tight hug. Hermione linked her fingers behind his back. "Go on, tell me," she encouraged.

"Alright," he said. He pressed a kiss onto her forehead. "If you really want to know. Me and Sirius...it was so strange, seeing him again after so many years. After believing he had betrayed me. Betrayed James and Lily. When I saw him tonight...I just didn't know. I didn't know what to do, what to say. What should've I said?"

Hermione raised her hands to his face, stroking over the stubble. "It's alright. I don't think that anyone would know. Tell me of the past instead."

Remus sighed and gently grabbed her hands and kissed the inside of each of her wrists. "Sirius kissed me for the first time in sixth year. We were at the final Quidditch match. Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, right at the front. Sirius wanted nothing else but for Gryffindor to win. Kept telling James to catch the snitch instead of the Seeker. Gryffindor won, eventually; Sirius seemed more annoyed than anything that it took so long. He said that we would have won in ten minutes if he had been playing. Said our Seeker was just distracted by him in the stands. Everyone was on their feet when we won." Remus paused, looking away from Hermione. Gathering his thoughts before he continued, "Sirius suddenly just grabbed me and kissed me. I can remember freezing. I didn't even kiss him back. I wanted to, I was so scared and everyone could see us. Absolutely everyone and I didn't know what they would do, what they would say to seeing us. How they would react to us being together. I was always so aware of that when we were together, I know I shouldn't have been… I sometimes feel that because I was so scared we only had half a relationship. We could have been together so much sooner and had so much longer together. With my condition, I just wanted to fit in and not be looked at. But this time - this time I didn't notice. Sirius was my shield against the world. For those two years before we left school, before James and Lily went into hiding, before everything... I was happy. It was like being with Sirius was being in a world where nothing was wrong, and anything bad could just be disregarded. We were fools, really."

"Remus, I-" Hermione cut herself off, searching for the right thing to say. She longed to be a strength for Remus, as he was for her. Always knowing the answer.

Remus again wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. "It's alright, Hermione. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. You shouldn't have to hear my troubles."

"No, please," Hermione said, "Keep going, Remus."

Remus shook his head, pulling away from her. "You should go up to your dorm, it's getting late," he said.

Hermione wished they didn't have to do this. She knew he couldn't take this too far, but she wanted to spend all night here, hearing stories. Wanted to know that there was a chance for them. She longed for the day he would speak openly with her. Maybe in four years, after she had graduated. Right now it felt like all they had was half a relationship.

"Alright," she said, "Good night, Remus."

* * *

Hermione had thought perhaps that in Grimmauld Place, she and Remus would get a moment together. But there always seemed to be someone else there. The house seemed to be full of Order members, and sometimes Hermione just longed to find a room she could be alone in. Tonight was the quietest she had seen the house. In fact, she felt almost alone in the place, although she knew others were around. The house was never empty. Years empty and decaying, and now a hub of activity. Hermione wandered through the grim covered hall to the kitchen. As she passed the sitting room, she could hear two voices filtering from it - Remus and Sirius. Hermione longed to go in, to sit between them and feel as though she belonged there. But she thought it best to leave them be, Remus and Sirius had not spoken properly in over a decade. She stopped as she heard her name.

"What about Hermione?" said Sirius.

She heard Remus groan. She could imagine him leaning back in the moth-eaten sofa, looking to the ceiling as though asking for help. "Can we not get into this?" he asked.

"What?" said Sirius, sounding shocked, though Hermione though he must be faking, "Am I not allowed to be furnished with details of your risque nightlife?"

"Sirius." Remus's voice held a tone of warning. "There's nothing going on."

"Oh, go on," said Sirius, "It's obvious there's something there."

"There is not," Remus insisted. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Nope," said Sirius happily, "I want all the juicy details." He sighed and sobered up suddenly, and added, "don't tell me you've just been a sorry loner for fifteen years."

There was the sound of a slap, and a yelp from Sirius. "I have not," came Remus's exasperated voice. "She's fifteen, for Merlin's sake."

"And a fine fifteen at that," said Sirius. "What about later? I mean, I'd get now. But, what about - you know, later?"

"I don't know," said Remus, "I can't think that far ahead. Maybe. I honestly don't know right now."

Hermione felt she would hang onto that maybe for a long time. It was the first time she had heard Remus give any chance for them having a future. She knew she should probably move on, before either of them realised she was there eavesdropping. She forced herself to move, as much as she just wanted to stay and listen forever. But as she began to walk towards the kitchen, one of the floorboards creaked loudly. Hermione winced as Sirius stuck his head around the door and said loudly, "Well, speaking of fine ladies."

"I was just, um, going to get a drink from the kitchen," Hermione said awkwardly as Sirius came up to her.

Sirius wrapped an arm around her and pinned her to his side. "Nonsense. Remus is very keen to talk to you."

"What are you doing, Sirius?" came Remus's voice.

"Being the fabulous dating professional I am," replied Sirius, "Come on, I'll be a great relationship counsellor." He steered Hermione into the room. She sank into the only, though thankfully large couch. At once, she was pleased to have some time with both Remus and Sirius, but at the same time she was overly aware that she felt very out of place.

Sirius sat between Hermione and Remus and regarded them with mock seriousness, "So. It is my understanding that you, Mister Lupin and you Miss Granger have requested my esteemed services to, shall we say, get the sparks flying again. Over the coming days, we shall be focusing on flexibility, stamina- Ow! - Was that really necessary, Moony?"

Hermione had felt herself going red as Sirius started his version of relationship counselling and was quite glad when Remus slapped him soundly on the cheek.

"Didn't I tell you?" said Remus, annoyed, "There's nothing at all."

Hermione felt her heart sink. She didn't want to hear Remus say that there was no hope for them.

"Aw. Look at this lovely lady," Sirius said and turned to Hermione, "What a heartbreaker. So you're still on the market, yeah? Ow! Seriously Moony, must you keep doing that?"

Hermione was half amused, half exasperated. She half enjoyed Sirius's antics, but was also utterly embarrassed. Sirius was still grinning broadly. "Got room for two in your life, my dear?" he said.

Hermione honestly thought about that. Could she really be with both? Could she be with either, really, at all? She knew that Remus was so wary of them ever being together properly, and she feared that Sirius only wanted her for a short time. "I'm...not sure," she said, "I want to, I'm just not sure. I just want to know if this could ever be serious."

"I haven't been leading you on," said Remus, looking at her intently with warm brown eyes, "I care for you. So much. But you are young. You'll grow up, move on."

"Remus." Hermione said, "I'm not going to just change my mind. I want this and I'm willing to wait."

"Alright," said Remus,"After you've graduated." That was more reassurance than Hermione had ever hoped for. She wanted to just kiss him so much.

Sirius, however, was looking rather annoyed. "What about me? Moony?"

Remus sighed. "I haven't stopped loving you, Sirius. But I have room for another."

"I have room as well," said Hermione in a small voice.

Sirius smiled, took Hermione's face and kissed her full on the mouth. It was her first kiss, but she could just feel herself melting into it. She could feel Sirius's rough lips on hers, sliding gently over her mouth. She wasn't kissing back, she didn't know how, so she just enjoyed the feeling. Sirius's hands came around her back, pulling her closer and into his lap. Hermione wrapped her arms around Sirius, hugging his chest to her. She cautiously tried to kiss back, just a gentle push of her lips against his.

"Do you two want a moment to yourselves?" Remus asked.

Hermione pulled away from Sirius, blushing. "Well, come on over," Sirius offered.

Remus hesitated and then slid over to sit next to Sirius, Hermione still in Sirius's lap. Remus leant forward, clearly overly aware of Hermione being right there. He leant forwards and gave Sirius a chaste kiss on the side of the mouth. But Sirius quickly turned his head to deepen the kiss and Remus couldn't seem to help himself. He kissed back. Hermione watched in fascination. She wondered if either would mind if she tried to join in, they looked so lost in one another. Instead, she just waited, biting her lip. Eventually they broke apart.

Sirius pulled away and grinned, securing his arms around Hermione, "I thought we were going to share," he said, "who's going to be on top, then?"

Remus groaned loudly, "Honestly, Sirius!"

Hermione couldn't help herself. She just burst out laughing.

* * *

Hermione had only had a few precious, stolen moments in Grimmauld Place with both Sirius and Remus. She discovered his more serious side; she had loved going through the lighter books in the Black library with him and discussing the various spells she was learning. But she also enjoyed those first small steps of gentle kisses and chaste touches, slowly exploring. She always felt so well cared for with both of them, like nothing else existed and they could live in that bubble forever.

But now she stood frozen in the Department of Mysteries. She couldn't move, couldn't scream, even as she heard Harry's yell echo across the chamber. She wanted to rush forwards, to somehow pull Sirius out of the Veil of Death, to do something to help. She knew, though, that there was nothing. Knew deep in her heart that she would never see Sirius Black again.

She suddenly became aware of Remus across the chamber. He was frozen, in front of the Veil, staring into it. Hermione finally found she could move, and ran towards him, grabbing him around the waist, "Don't you dare!"

Remus started. He turned around to hug Hermione back, and said, "I-I wasn't going to." He didn't seem to trust himself to say more without crying. Hermione didn't know how long they stood there together, holding each other, before Remus apparated her back to Hogwarts. It wasn't until a week later that she cried at last.

* * *

She had somehow wound up at Grimmauld Place, along with Ron and Harry, fleeing the Burrow. Hermione hadn't seen much of Remus over the past year. He was busy, away doing jobs for Dumbledore that he wouldn't talk about in detail, and when he would around he could never be there long. Hermione barely managed to catch his arm as he stormed away from them.

"Wait, please," she said.

Remus pulled his arm away and looked as though he just wanted to leave through the floo.

"Remus," Hermione said, "I...I'm sorry."

Remus nodded. "Yeah. I know," he said.

As much as Remus had been away in the past year, Hermione had distanced herself as well. Always busy with research or schoolwork when Remus was around. She was at least glad that her research did have a real purpose, as Harry told her more and more of the scraps of information he got from Dumbledore. At once she knew the importance of secrecy, but at the same time, Dumbledore was always so busy. She couldn't approach him and nor did she feel entirely comfortable in doing so. She wanted Remus to listen to her worries, to hold her and tell her everything was fine.

They stood in an awkward silence. Remus sighed, "I should go," he said.

Hermione wrapped him in a tight hug, not wanting to see him leave. She gave Remus a kiss on the corner of the mouth. Remus didn't seem able to look at her, but his arms tightened around Hermione. "Stay safe," he said.

Hermione nodded and said, "You too. I'll see you after all this…" She trailed off, he had said after she graduated. Now, would she ever graduate? She didn't know how they, three teenagers, could ever defeat Voldemort. The task felt insurmountable.

Remus just squeezed her tighter, "Yeah, afterwards. Hermione...I do need to go, see you." He kissed her forehead and without a word, left through the floo.

* * *

It was all over. Less than a year later and Hermione stood in the Great Hall. She just felt cold, surrounded by death and destruction, not knowing quite what to do. She sat next to Ginny, but she felt as though she was entirely separate from all of them. Remus lay a few feet away from her. For once, her thoughts seemed to have paused. Afterwards had come and Remus wasn't there.

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you to Marvelgeek42 for betaing

For HP Slash Luv as part of the Gift Giving Extravaganza 2017.


End file.
